10 Tips for Walking With Your Grieving Friend, Part One (and a special invitation)
(by my best friend's widower, Justin Ohlinger)
Today I am joined by one of my closest friends, Justin Ohlinger, my best friend Jenn’s widower, to write about walking with those who grieve.
Some background: Justin shared these tips with me and Kevin a couple of weeks ago and I thought they were so helpful. I essentially demanded he share this here, with you. I know you’ll appreciate his vulnerable, practical, and encouraging words about helping those who grieve, below.
Also, Justin and I have a special invitation for you…check it out at the bottom of this post.
10 Tips for Walking with Your Grieving Friend, part one…by Justin Ohlinger
In John 16:33, Jesus says, “In this world you will have trouble.” While Jesus was saying this specifically to his disciples, the same is true for every person. You will face trouble in this world.
Not maybe.
You will.
I was married to the love of my life, Jenn, in July 2003. We had our first son in 2006 with about as easy a pregnancy as there could be. But when we decided to try for a second child, we experienced unexplained secondary infertility. After years of trying to have another child (we tried everything!), we were finally blessed to discover that Jenn was pregnant again.
Things started well, but soon enough, Jenn experienced complications. She spent the entire month of March 2011, hospitalized on bedrest, trying to give our son his best chance at life, and on March 31st, Hudson was born. But due to complications earlier in the pregnancy, he passed away just 36 hours later. This was a brutal grief to bear. After trying so long to get pregnant, to finally becoming pregnant, to fighting so hard for Hudson’s life, then seeing his curly hair after he was born…only for him to pass so quickly—it left us devastated.
Fast forward nine years. By then, we were blessed with three healthy boys who needed to be entertained during the Covid lockdown. But in July of 2020, Jenn discovered a lump in her breast and was immediately diagnosed with breast cancer. She went through the standard treatment of care, and a year later, was declared cancer-free. Yet, just a few months after celebrating her good news, a year after that initial diagnosis, we were back in the oncologist’s office being told her cancer had returned.
July 2021 and onward brought many different chemo treatments, some that were initially successful, only to later become ineffective. Jenn fought so hard and was a witness to Jesus throughout her trials. Ultimately, the cancer took her life on December 21, 2022.
I was again left devastated as I processed how to move forward without my wife of twenty years, my best friend, and my partner.
Unfortunately, I have become more well-versed with grief then I ever wanted.
Through these experiences I’ve learned a few things about helping those who are grieving. A quick caveat—these are tips I have found helpful in my own life. I have also talked with other widowers, who agree these are helpful. But grief is unique to each of us, so these may not be meant for every person experiencing grief. Use what works for you, what applies to you.
#1 - Acknowledge the person’s grief and ask how they are doing.
This is one of the most important things I hope you learn from reading this. It is really hard to acknowledge a person’s grief and ask how they are doing. I get it. It is also hard for me to do with others who are experiencing grief.
However, what is even more awkward is not saying anything at all. As someone who has experienced a lot of grief, let me assure you, the grief is never far from my mind. Sometimes people think that by asking, they are bringing up painful feelings or reminding me of what I have lost, but I promise you, my grief is already at the forefront of my mind.
I recently ate lunch with a good friend of mine, nearly a year after Jenn passed. After talking about my thoughts and what I was experiencing within my grief, my friend, in the nicest way possible—genuinely wanting to know—asked, “Is that all you think about?” The answer is yes! Grief and feelings of loss overwhelm your mind; it is almost all you can think about.
With that in mind, acknowledge to your grieving friend that you remember their pain. This can be as simple as saying, “I’m sorry for ________.” This lets him or her know you haven’t forgotten what they are going through. An acquaintance may only give you a simple, shallow answer, but that’s okay — this exchange allows the griever to know you genuinely care. Of course, if you have a deeper relationship, feel free to follow up by asking more questions. But, ultimately, allow the grieving person to guide the depth of conversation.
Acknowledging your friend’s grief also allows her or him to answer, and then be able to move forward. Otherwise, they will be wondering (throughout the entire conversation) if you remember what they have been through and they will be questioning why you haven’t said anything about it. It’s okay to acknowledge the grief-elephant in the room.
#2 - Just be present. There are no perfect words to say. Your grieving friend doesn’t need your words. They need your presence.
In my own grief journey, I was struggling with knowing what to say to my children. I felt like my brain was blank so often (more on this later), and I just didn’t know what to say to help them. I was sharing this with a friend and he said, “They don’t need your words; they need your presence.” This is such great advice. I can’t tell you how many times I’ve heard people say, “I don’t know what to say.” That’s because there are no perfect words, nothing that is suddenly going to heal the wounds.
But being present, continuing to show up and let your grieving friend know that you will be there to support them in whatever ways possible, is so important. I have been so thankful for those who have been present in my life as I have grieved, and equally surprised by those who haven’t been there.
Grief is hard, it’s hard to know what to do. But show up for your grieving friend. Be present in their lives.
#3 - Just listen, don’t try to fix it.
Since my wife passed, I have a friend who has come over to my house nearly every Thursday night after I put my kids to bed. He has been present; he has shown up. There is one thing in particular I have so appreciated from him. He will consistently ask, “What are you thinking about?” And then? He just lets me talk as he actively listens and responds to what I am saying. When you are grieving, it is easy to begin to ruminate. Obsessive thoughts begin to build and can take over your mind. There are things you think about over and over and over again, and can’t get out of your brain.
Sometimes the hurting person just needs to say them aloud, to get them off their chest and out of their head, so they can move forward. When you are listening to your hurting friend, these thoughts might be heavy and you may feel like you need to fix it, but oftentimes the grieving person just needs to get these thoughts out - so all you need to do is listen.
#4 - Reassure your friend you appreciate them sharing with you.
There have been many times where I have shared some heavy thoughts as I have sat and talked with friends, or have written texts so long they could be a book. Only to, right after sharing, suddenly feel like I have placed too heavy a burden on that person. Sometimes, it feels like this is my burden to carry and I shouldn’t place that on other people. Even with my closest friends, who have been with me through my grief, I can still question if I have placed an undue weight upon them.
But every time those friends have said, “Thank you for sharing that with me. I appreciate your openness and vulnerability,” they have reassured me that it is ok to share with them.
That is such an important aspect of helping your grieving friend. The tendency for the griever, is to want to go through grief alone, to not burden others. As a friend, you can reassure them that is not the case. We were made to be in community with one another and your grieving friend needs to be reminded that you are there for them.
#5 - Don’t compare your grief to theirs.
Again, being with people who are grieving is hard, uncomfortable. Oftentimes, when people don’t know what to do or say, they try to relate. There is a tendency for people to say, “Yes, I understand what you are going through,” and then talk about their own grief journeys. But unless your situation is exactly the same, don’t talk about your own grief.
Your grandmother dying is not even close to the same as my wife dying. Your dog dying is not in the same universe. I don’t expect you to understand completely or relate perfectly. I just need you to listen and ask me how I’m doing, show up and be present.
I have a few friends who have been particularly helpful to me as I have grieved. They would be the first to say that they can sympathize with me and feel sad for me, but they can not empathize with me and don’t truly understand what I’m feeling, and that’s ok. No two griefs are the same; no need to compare. Just go back to point #2 and 3- listen and be there.
Join us for part two, next week. And don’t miss our invitation below!
You are invited to our very first Louder Song Community Gathering: How to Help Your Grieving Friend (and Your Grieving Self).
Wednesday, January 31, 7:30pm-8:30pm CT on Zoom.
Join Justin and me for the first ever Louder Song Community online gathering. We'll dive into the topic of grief and how to (also, how not to) support your grieving friend...and your grieving self. Losing someone is brutal, and it's crucial to understand encouraging and practical ways to navigate this difficult journey - and to teach others how to walk with you.
Justin and I will share insights, personal experiences, and practical tips to help you walk with someone who is hurting, and if you are that someone, we'll help give language for you when others ask how they can help. Don't miss this opportunity to connect, learn, and find solace in the company of others who understand. You are not alone. Together, we can find strength and healing - and Jesus in it all.